Will You Lose Friends When You Quit Drinking?

The real question is were they true friends?

“We don’t have any food, but we’ve got gin and tonic.”

Over ten years of friendship with another couple, there’s no telling how many times that message was sent in a text before hanging out.

Usually one of the couples provided food while the other provided liquor for the night. The idea of arriving at the others’ home to find no alcohol was insane and would require an immediate run to the nearest store.

This was the routine almost every single weekend.

While our kids took over the rest of the house, the adults would hole up in a living room to drink and talk late into the night.

Our conversations ranged from the texture of mushrooms to health insurance to theology.

They were our best friends…mainly because they were always available, spontaneous, and were really good drinking buddies.

If we met new people, the first question we’d consider was whether they drank or not. Could we have wine at dinner? Would they be offended? Since we ran in mostly Christian circles, this was a serious question to consider. We’d spend the first get-together feeling them out. If they drank, did they drink a lot or only occasionally? Could we have more than one glass without being judged?

We spent a lot of mental energy on how much we’d be able to drink with people instead of focusing on building a relationship based on real things…like personalities, interests, commonalities, etc.

If they drank, we figured the rest would fall into place.

When I decided to quit drinking, my biggest fear was losing our best friends. Would we still be able to hang and have the same depth of conversation? Would it be awkward? Would I be able to handle everyone else drinking?

This fear was one of the reasons I kept drinking as long as I did even though I knew I needed to and wanted to quit.

I didn’t want to lose my friends. And I didn’t want our relationship to change.

At some point, I decided being sober was more important than anything else…even if it meant losing our best friends.

After almost two years sober, I can report that we did not lose our best friends because they are real friends, not just drinking buddies.

Our relationship has changed some, but that’s been due to other factors along with me not drinking.

I know I’m not the only one who has this fear when they consider giving up alcohol. There’s a bond that’s formed with drinking buddies. It’s not always a real bond. Sometimes the only thing holding people together is the activity, and once the activity is gone, there’s nothing left.

I asked about this on TwiX and received almost 300 responses! Relationships and how sobriety will affect them are a really big deal. Because I was never part of a “drinking culture”, meaning hanging out in bars or going out on the weekend with friends to drink and party, I was fascinated by the majority of the responses.

The majority of people said they lost all of their friends when they quit drinking, BUT they weren’t real friends to begin with. They were only drinking buddies.

Some people lost real friends and others lost family members. Most of those who were “lost” wanted to keep drinking and couldn’t handle being around someone who didn’t.

So will you lose friends when you quit drinking? It depends on the nature of your friendship.

I can guarantee you’ll lose some drinking buddies.

But in return, you can find real friendships that are lasting and true.

It’s a scary future to walk into, not knowing who will still be standing with you in the end. It can be heartbreaking to realize you didn’t have true friends to begin with. It can also be heartbreaking when those who are closest to you, a spouse or family member, tell you you were more fun when you were drinking.

You’ll find your relationships look different even with those who stick around.

This is hard, but it’s not the end.

The end is finding deeper, more meaningful relationships than you’ve had before.

I’m so thankful we still have our best friends. We went through some awkward get-togethers in the beginning. We found our new rhythm eventually, and my life is better in every way since I’ve given up drinking.

Was getting sober worth the risk of losing our friends? It sounds harsh, but yes, it was.

Sometimes sober has to be the priority over everything…and anyone…else.