Day 5, Part 1 — Are You Okay With You?
Maybe you drink because you’re not
Sober Journey Day 5, Part 1
8:15AM
I’m sitting in a convention waiting for a keynote speaker to begin, sipping on my Starbucks.
I come up for air after swimming deeply in Jessica Simpson’s memoir, Open Book. As I resurface, I hear quiet clicking and clacking around me. I stealthily look around and notice laptops open on laps, teachers and administrators busily typing away, getting things done.
I have my laptop with me, but I chose a book instead. Is this why my accomplishment list isn’t so long or great? Maybe so, but I’m okay with that. I need space. My mind needs time to process and rest and think about other things. I’m not a go getter. And that’s okay.
I know who I am. And I’m okay with me.
Are you okay with you?
For years I hid in alcohol because I didn’t like how my life was going. I thought that was easier.
It wasn’t.
Alcohol won’t make you a different person. It won’t make you a better person. I’d even argue that if you took a video of yourself while you’re drinking, you’d see something unpleasant.
It’s a lie.
That thin veneer alcohol provides for a brief moment is like a badly paneled wall from the 70s.
It’s easy to think you’re more confident, braver, sexier, funnier, more thoughtful and insightful when you’re drunk.
You’re not.
You look stupid when you’re drunk
The few times I’ve managed to be sober in a group of people drinking over the last few years, I’ve watched and noticed. As I sit quietly and calmly, others around me get loud and just plain dumb. Speech starts slurring, words aren’t found as easily, thoughts that are presented as deep or epiphanous are shallow little puddles.
And the times I’ve been in that state myself, I can’t remember all those deep, world-changing thoughts the next morning. Or if I do miraculously remember, I realize the thoughts weren’t nearly so grand.
So it’s important that you figure this one out. The sooner the better.
You have to be okay with who you are. If you’re not, may I suggest getting help?
I’m not a scientist or researcher, but based on my personal observations of humans and human nature, I have a feeling this one little factor drives people to drink more than any other. It’s at least at the top of the list.
We are so unsatisfied with who we are and who we are not that we run to a million things to cover up our disappointment and feelings of failure…including alcohol.
This is another reason you can’t trade alcohol for ice cream or a bag of potato chips or excessive exercising when you first go sober. You’ve got to face why you’re drinking in the first place instead of medicating with something else.
That’s the hardest part.
If you don’t let go of your negative self-soothing tactics, you’ll just go back to them when things get tough and the afternoon cookie fix isn’t cutting it anymore.
9:24AM
I just sat through the keynote speaker presentation which tested everything I said above. The kind of presentation that makes you wonder what purpose you have on earth. The kind that makes you wonder how one person can do so much while you’re doing what feels like nothing. It’s inspiring yet depressing because you know you will never be that person.
But here’s where I have a choice and you have a choice. A really big choice.
You can either escape from disappointment and hide in an alcohol haze, or you can be sober and do whatever it is you can do no matter how small.
If it’s only being present for your kids, sobriety is worth it.
If it’s only being a good friend and being available whenever you’re needed because you’re sober, it’s worth it.
If it’s only being the best teacher, hairstylist, accountant, or plumber you can be because you’re sober enough to work on your craft and connect with your clients and run your business to the best of your ability, it’s worth it.
Small potatoes are edible
My mentality is often, “If I can’t do something big and great and notable…if I can’t be the best mom ever…or have the greatest romance of all time…or write the best novel, then I just won’t do anything at all.”
Because the fact I will likely never be larger than life is so disappointing and devastating to me, I hide in a bottle. At least I have in the past.
I don’t want to miss out on my life anymore though. Even if it is small potatoes, I want to be present and all in.
Small potatoes aren’t worthless. You can eat small potatoes.
Life is better sober
It’s been a long journey getting to this point. A nine-year journey to be exact. Last year was the roughest I’ve ever been through. I knew I had to make a change to move forward with my life.
Before I quit completely, I was already drinking much less than I had been. I even had whole days without a drink, and I could see how much better that was.
I was sober enough to see that the times I was sober were much more rewarding and fulfilling than the times I wasn’t.
I noticed I was drinking out of habit or social pressure. Not that anyone pressured me except myself. I started to move deeper into my Faith and reawaken dreams and goals I’d put on the back burner of the stove called Motherhood.
It felt like this one final thing was holding me back from going all the way. I still don’t know what that means exactly, but I do know I don’t want anything, especially a liquid substance that isn’t even alive, to hold me back anymore.
I’ve decided to be okay with me.
Whether I do something great or small, I want to be present for it all.
So the question remains…
Are you okay with you?
. . .
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