Day 1 — Here We Go Again; Another Attempt at Sobriety

Sober Journey Day 1

Again. I don’t know how many “agains” this is, but here I am again. Attempting to quit drinking. We’ve just come back from a holiday for spring break. So I gave it the ole “once our trip is over” speech. Because you can’t possibly quit drinking before a big trip. Right? Or during the trip? Forget about it! Although it did cross my mind plenty of times.

Last night I had the last beer in the fridge. Because you also can’t leave a bottle unattended to. Right? Or just throw it away still full? Forget about it!

And at 2:30am I woke up with a splitting headache. Jet lag? Off my heavily caffeinated holiday routine? Weird eating times messing with my hypoglycemia? Or that last bottle of beer mixed with all of the above?

Regardless, the migraine was brutal. Throwing up several times brutal. I couldn’t even keep a spoonful of peanut butter down.

The family went to church without me. I hate missing church. It’s the place that keeps telling me there is so much more for me than this liquid diet. It’s where I hear Jesus say He’s all I need, and I can have so much more if I’ll just run to Him instead of a drink that never quenches my thirst.

But I was too sick. So I watched online. Our church has been going through a season of amazing and miraculous things, and I don’t want to miss out. Our pastor has called the whole church to a 10 day fast starting today.

Guess what I’m fasting?

I’ll admit, the timing is pretty amazing…as always. The day we get back from our trip is the day the fast starts? Thank you, Lord, for another chance. He’s given me so many.

Our pastor said something recently that chilled me to the bone.

Repentance is a gift.

The Holy Spirit nudges us to repentance. That still, small voice that says “turn around” is a gift. It’s an opportunity for change and to draw closer to Jesus. But if we keep ignoring that nudge…if we keep pushing it aside, eventually two things will happen. Either we’ll go numb to the voice and stop hearing it, or the Holy Spirit will quit offering the gift. He’ll quit nudging.

That scared me. I have to quit playing games.

The service was awesome as usual. My head was still splitting but I felt refreshed. Determined. I don’t want anything more than I want to be close to Jesus. But for me, that means I have to give up alcohol. I can’t keep running to that when I’m tired and weary, when I need a break, when I feel defeated, or at the end of me.

I have to run to Jesus.

It’s taken me a while to see what that looks like. It feels so abstract. So what does that mean exactly? I hope I can show you as this story plays out day by day. Once when I was making another attempt to be sober, I wrote on a notecard, “Jesus is my habit.”

That’s what I want to sink in. I want to absorb that phrase, that concept. Any time I want to drink (or eat something unhealthy or…fill in the blank), I turn to Him instead. I simply talk to Him. I listen to worship music. I write or read something that will draw me to Him and away from IT.

And it works. But habits aren’t formed in a day. It takes a constant turning and returning to the thing you want to be the focus. It takes practice and concentration and discipline.

Day 1 is usually easy. At least for me. I’m determined. Ready to go. Ready to fight the good fight. This Day 1 was no different. I was filled up from church online. I rested until my headache finally went away. I watched The Chosen and was filled up even more. No thoughts of failure or wandering. I was steadfast.

I’m leaving for a business trip on Day 2. My first one ever. I’m a bit nervous and anxious about what my role will be, but I’m looking forward to some time alone, especially after our big spring break trip. I’m traveling with my boss. And I have a plan in place. When I’m not doing business-y stuff, I want to focus on drawing closer to Jesus. I have books to guide me in that and space and time to really focus and dig in without distraction. This is a very unusual situation for me. Very rare. And I don’t want to waste it.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash