My Favorite Sober Gift Is Being Present

I no longer rush through bedtime with my kids

“OK, kids, time for bed!” I hollered.

I looked at my phone to see how late it was. Late enough to put them to bed. I’d already checked my booze supply and considered how much my husband might drink.

I was set.

“Will you read with me tonight?” My 9-year-old son asked.

“Not tonight, kid. I’m tired. Let’s get to bed.” This is the same answer I gave him almost every night.

I quickly kissed my girl on the head and sent her off to her room. She was 11 and could take care of herself.

“OK. Brush your teeth and head to your room. Good night, son.” I didn’t wait around until he was done. I headed downstairs and sat on the couch to listen. To wait. Teeth brushed, in his room, door shut.

Would he come out again? I waited a few minutes. Checking my phone to see how long it had been. He often came out for another round of hugs, and I tried to wait to start drinking until he was completely settled.

This nightly routine became the norm and went on for several years.

It breaks my heart when I think about it. Sending my sweet boy off to bed alone so I could be alone to drink. I’m not sure I’ve completely forgiven myself for this yet.

But I can’t look back. I can’t think about all the time I wasted waiting to drink and then actually drinking. All the times I flicked the kids away like they were a nuisance keeping me from something really important—drinking. It would make me crazy.

Instead, I focus on how present I can be now.

Even though my son’s voice is starting to change, he still loves his nighttime hugs, and I lean into them so hard these days. I snuggle with him until one of us has had enough.

I wake him up every morning even though he’s more than capable of setting an alarm. But with no more hangovers harassing me, I can lay with him before he fully wakes up. Sometimes he grabs my arm when I try to let go. Precious, precious moments I am completely present for.

Sometimes he wants to sit on the couch together while we both read our own books. I’m there.

When we watch Marvel movies together, I actually remember them now and don’t fall asleep halfway through. We watched one we’d already seen recently, and I barely remembered any of it. I was frustrated with my memory until it hit me I was probably tipsy the first time around.

Soon he won’t want to be on the same planet with me. So I’m eating up every second he does.

When my 14-year-old, who is already in the doesn’t-want-to-be-on-the-same-planet phase, asks me to come hang in her room, I’m there for it. I sit on her bed. Just present. Nothing else required. Sometimes she talks, sometimes we get super silly, and sometimes we just hang.

When she wants to get ice cream late at night, we go. I no longer have to worry about whether I’m too tipsy. I no longer guard my drinking time like a dragon in front of gold.

Now my time with my kids is the gold.

I’m so thankful they still want to be in my presence even after all the times I brushed them aside so I could drink.

Kids are abundantly forgiving. They just want to be loved and seen.

I’ve always loved them, but I was failing big time on the “seeing” part. Not anymore. No more wasting precious moments with them.

Being present to hear their stories, laugh at stupid jokes, see what they’re doing…I can’t imagine anything more rewarding as a parent.

Getting to be PRESENT for my kids instead of swimming in an alcohol haze has been one of the biggest benefits of being sober.

I no longer rush to put them to bed so I can drink.
I no longer send them off to play alone so I can drink.
I no longer forget they’re at a party with us because I’m drinking.

Being a present parent also means I can choose the mood in my home instead of alcohol choosing it for me. More often than not I choose happy, joyous, and carefree because these moments come and go so quickly.

Do I regret all the missed moments with my kids? Of course. I will forever regret that (not wallow in it, but be sad about it). Nevertheless, I can say with certainty that if I hadn’t gone through the sourness of drinking, I may not have recognized the sweetness of being present with my kids.

Beauty from ashes.

I’m so thankful I still have time to be present, and I’m going to be here for it all.