Life After the Youngins Aren’t So Young
What am I supposed to do now?
My kids are my life.
From the moment we started trying to get pregnant, my thoughts and actions have been consumed with babies, toddlers, young kids, and now teenagers.
My world revolves almost completely around the two creatures I’m responsible for.
Though I desperately wanted to work, and was bitterly jealous of friends who did, I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids to someone else’s care for even part of the day. I just couldn’t do it.
I wasted a lot of years longing for something else while knowing I wouldn’t change my situation for anything.
I wanted to stay home with my kids, and thanks to my hardworking husband, always had the luxury to do so.
In the early years, I attempted to assert my intelligence and creativity through part-time endeavors: writing, copyediting for a blog, making children’s clothing and owning an online boutique, scoring a standardized test.
It was semi-fulfilling to continue using my brain, especially when my two babes were little and the monotony of playing the same games over and over again wore on me. But I could never give myself fully to these endeavors. My mind and heart were constantly divided.
I tried to be an engaging, creative mom, but more often than not, they played on their own while I attempted to do my thing.
The great debate of where to send them to school started in preschool (and continues to this day). As an educator myself (my undergrad and graduate degrees are both in English Education), I wanted the best for them.
Finally, when my daughter was starting second grade and my son kindergarten, I decided the best was homeschooling.
At that point, I realized I needed to lay everything else aside to focus on their education and upbringing. I gave up all my hopes and dreams of a successful, fulfilling career, and truly believed I would never have them.
Ironically, those two years of homeschooling were the most peaceful I’ve had in my life. Having reconciled my heart to solely focus on motherhood, I was able to rest.
At the end of those two years, we moved overseas for my husband’s job and started a completely new adventure. The kids were in a fabulous international school. My dream school for them.
However, because of the laws in Singapore and the visas we were on, I wasn’t allowed to work officially. So, I continued pursuing part-time gigs that wouldn’t get me in trouble. In fact, that’s when I started writing for Medium!
When we moved back two years later right in the middle of Covid, life was topsy turvy for the first year. I was drinking heavily and barely functioning mentally from the sudden upside-down shift in our situation.
I sent my kids back to school full-time, and my brain started to heal.
Then the wildest thing happened: my kids started to grow up and not need me anymore. (Insert shocked emoji face here.)
My girl has always been an old soul, chomping at the bit to grow up and be out from under the thumb of her parents’ rules and regulations. We’ve tried to give her age-appropriate freedoms while not letting her get too far ahead of herself. It’s been a delicate balance.
When she turned 13, I actually felt relieved. Like she’d finally made it to the age she was always meant to be.
My boy, on the other hand, is my baby.
He’s always been my cuddler, and as a touch person myself, he’s been the best companion. I still remember his forehead smashed against mine in the early hours of the morning after he’d snuck into my bed. His sweet breath getting heavy as he fell back asleep.
Now, it’s me that reaches out to him for a hug. He no longer approaches me, and it literally breaks my heart.
This has been quite the buildup to get to the actual point of this story:
What’s Next?
I think I knew this point would arrive…when they wouldn’t need me. I mean obviously, they still need me, but they don’t NEED me anymore. I’m still here to set boundaries and make sure they get to all their events and are eating decent food occasionally. I offer bits of wisdom here and there when it feels like they might be receptive, which is rare.
But in general, I’m kind of free.
It’s so exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Now what?
The shock and sadness of not being needed have turned into the desire to retire from the longest and hardest job I’ve ever had, motherhood. And run with arms wide open to the next thing.
I’ve had to rein myself in a bit.
I tried to have an office job for about a year and a half. My boss was very generous, as I was adamant about dropping off and picking up my kids from school. (About the only time I see these sudden recluses anymore is in the car.)
But with their nutso schedules in the afternoon and evenings, it just wasn’t working out.
Instead, I came back home to pursue online work.
It’s been interesting to watch many of my stay-at-home mom friends also struggle in this phase where we feel the urge to get back to work but are still needed…mostly for chauffeuring.
I hear them wonder if they should go back to school, pursue a new career, or get a part-time job.
What’s allowed at this stage? What’s possible?
And because our lives have literally revolved around our little creatures for so many years, it’s hard to know what to do. What we’re capable of doing.
Suddenly we’re wondering what our dreams and passions were that we laid aside for motherhood. Can we get back to them? Are we finally allowed?
Is it too late to go back to school and start a new career?
I say, heck no!
It occurred to me recently that even though half of my life is over, half of it remains. Most likely, the same amount of time I’ve already lived is mine to live again! With all the wisdom and experience I’ve gained in the first half.
That’s pretty exciting!
And so, this year I’ve been working on a coaching certification and setting up an online business.
I miss those sweet, golden years when the kids were fun and happy and carefree. I wish I’d leaned into them more. I didn’t know I could have a whole new life once they were gone. I truly didn’t. If only I had known…
But we can’t live in the past, and I can’t regret what I’ve already done. It changes nothing.
I’m thankful for the time I’ve had with my kids. They turned out pretty well, I think! And now I’m ready to lean into the next phase of my life, which allows me to be a bit selfish in a way. I feel a little naughty.
And very, very excited.
