I can’t believe people still drink soda. It still blows my mind when I see a grown, seemingly intelligent adult drinking Dr. Pepper. You might as well take up smoking too. Yes, I’m exaggerating.
My mom used to have huge, styrofoam cups filled with Diet Dr. Pepper from 7-Eleven or McDonald’s littering her bedside table. It was disturbing.
At one point years ago she started sending me articles from Mayo Clinic and WebMD about the dangers of tattoos. So I sent her an article or two about the dangers of diet soda.
Touché, Mom!
She stopped drinking diet soda; I did not stop getting tattoos.
People judge.
It’s really easy to do. I do it every single day. I bet you do too.
Why do we judge others?
Here are 7 reasons I think we judge others:
- We think we’re better than them.
- We think of them as them.
- We think our way is the best way.
- We’re ignorant and/or naive. Uninformed.
- We’re insecure about our own peculiarities.
- We don’t understand other people.
- We haven’t learned how to walk in anyone else’s shoes but our own, and sometimes we even struggle to walk in our own and recognise our own faults and behaviours.
Walk a Mile in Their Shoes
When I get into this judgy mode, my default is to say, “Why would they do that?” “Why would they wear that?” “Why would they say that?” Etc.
Sometimes I’m genuinely curious because people are fascinating, but more often than not, I ask out of frustration, annoyance, or disgust.
It’s like I’m blaming people for being imperfect, or even worse, blaming people for just being who they are.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Walk a mile in their shoes.” In theory it’s a nice concept that’s meant to provoke empathy and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, there are some things I will never understand no matter how hard I try to put myself in the other person’s skin.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t try. Especially when it comes to really big, important matters. It’s at least important to make a strong attempt to understand the other person or other side.
However, I’d like to propose a different tactic, especially for those smaller matters that might be considered annoyances.
THROWING BLAME BALLS
Let’s take my marriage as an example. Anyone who’s married knows that after a while, you start to get on each other’s everlasting nerve. It’s really easy to start throwing blame balls at the other person. My blame balls might sound like:
“You never push in your chair. Ever!”
“You never clean the pots and pans regardless of who cooked. Rinsing them out and leaving them in the sink does not equal CLEAN! Do you think the magic pan fairy is going to come out in the middle of the night and finish the job for you?”
“Why do you have to always wear slides around the house? And why can you literally not put your feet on the floor without shoving them into your slides?”
“Why can’t you carry more than one bag of groceries in at a time?”
“Why is taking care of the children 100% my responsibility? Why don’t you ever have to spend three hours of your day at the slowest doctor’s office on the planet?”
OK. You see how this whole internal tirade goes.
It didn’t start out internal though. Sometimes I said these things out loud. Gasp! And guess what… nothing changed!
I bet you’re not surprised because I bet the exact same thing is going on in your house. The blame balls are just different shapes and colors. (No, I’m not going to stop using that phrase. I’m really enjoying it.)
What changed? I will tell you.
I didn’t start walking a mile in HIS shoes. I started walking a mile in MINE.
ONE DAY IT HIT ME: I’M NOT PERFECT.
It was the craziest thought I’d ever had.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have the usual internal monologue about how I wish I was smarter or better looking or could sing like that girl, etc. I had plenty of self-loathing and fault-finding going on. While at the same time, I looked down my nose at other people for other things with no hesitation. It’s a strange paradox.
But when the I’m-not-perfect thought slapped me upside the head, it changed everything. Well, it changed my perspective at least.
For every blame ball I could throw at the hubs in judgment, he could probably throw ten back.
Once I realised this, I started taking hold of my thoughts before they could gain too much ground and changing them. Not every time, because as I just mentioned, I’m not perfect. But as often as possible, when I throw a ball, I think about a few he could throw back.
When I start obsessing about bigger ticket items, like things that relate to my love language, for example, I think about how I might not be fulfilling his.
When I start to throw that, “I do everything for the kids” ball, I think about ALL the things I don’t do that the hubs takes care of: the trash, the bills, the pool, the yard, any upkeep on the house, plus he works full time AND plays with the kids… a lot!
GRACE FOR YOURSELF; GRACE FOR OTHERS
It’s not about finding fault with myself or shaming myself. That’s not the point. It’s about realising that I’m judging or blaming the other person for not being perfect when I’m not perfect either, and by judging others, I’m basically saying I think I am.
Don’t even get me started on what this sounds like between my children! That’s the pot calling the kettle black we say frequently in my house!
It’s so easy to blame others for not being perfect. But the next time you start asking “why” in your head, take a walk in your own shoes first and see if you can find some common ground. Think about some peculiarities… dare I call them annoyances… of your own that level the playing field.
But, Mom, please don’t start drinking Diet Dr. Pepper again. It’s really bad for your health! (Said as I guzzle my grande vanilla latte.)